The Christmas holiday is most often portrayed in stories and movies as a joyous and momentous occasion to celebrate with friends and family. And for many this is the case. But for a significant number of people, the holidays are a painful reminder of what they have lost along the way. In my previous position, I led support groups and worked significantly with the bereaved. For the grieving, the holidays were particularly difficult as the traditions they once shared with loved ones were a painful reminder of what had forever changed.
For Third Culture Kids, and their parents, the holidays can be similarly challenging. While traditions and loved ones from their passport culture are not necessarily forever gone, it can be extremely painful to know that your loved ones are living and continuing long held traditions halfway around the world. (Of course, those who are left in their passport country also suffer when their family/friends move overseas.)
Our family has spent the last two holiday seasons in France and there are many things that we have grown to love. We have thoroughly enjoyed the delectable chocolates that are frequently offered as tokens of friendship during the holidays. Christmas markets are also quite special to experience with their wide variety of local and seasonal fare, and artisanry. We have also appreciated a less hectic schedule around the holidays, which has helped us better focus on the true meaning of Christmas. We love that gatherings with friends and family are highly prioritized here, while programmatic events are much less of a thing than in America. And we are privileged to have my parents with us in country and to have shared some special holiday meals with dear newfound friends.
When I asked one of my kids what has been hard about celebrating holidays here in France, she came up with two answers. Not being with the family we left behind and not being able to keep all of the traditions we had enjoyed during her first eight trips around the sun. We will be in flight for the States next week at this time, otherwise I would have anticipated that a great number of tears would have been shed as she answered my question.
Now, as we prepare for a special holiday season in America, I wonder what, if anything, my kids will miss from what they have experienced during the holidays here in France? If I am to be honest, I have often found my TCK heart paradoxically satisfied and yet longing to be elsewhere during the holidays. Growing up, I almost equally split my holidays between France and the USA. As a result, I grew to delight in each culture’s unique take on celebrating Christmas, while at the same time missing traditions and loved ones from the other land that I held dear in my heart.
I simply want to encourage my fellow TCK parents to be honest about your own experience of the holidays while finding ways to draw out what may be going on in your child(ren)’s heart(s). Talking these things through is healthy for the whole family, even and perhaps especially, if it brings out strong emotions. We often prefer to hide or stuff those subjects that make us face difficult realities, but let me encourage you to take the risk of opening yourself up to the paradox of holidays as an expat family.
Here are some simple questions for you and your child(ren) to consider:
What do I like (and even love) about celebrating the holidays where I am currently living?
What do I miss the most from where I once lived during the holidays?
What can I do to make the most of this holiday season while not ignoring what I may be missing? (Consider new traditions and how you can connect with people and traditions you have left behind.)
Younger children may find it helpful to communicate through art rather than just through talk. Ask them to draw, paint or sculpt the things that they like about the holidays in their current living situation and what they miss about the people and traditions they no longer have around. Art is a fantastic way for younger ones to process and can give parents an idea of what is going on in their child(ren)’s hearts. In fact, you may benefit in connecting as a family through being artistic together. So, feel free to join your kid(s) in drawing, painting or sculpting answers to the above questions. Be creative and have fun in connecting on this important subject!
Safely sharing your joys and sorrows as a family would be a wonderful way to add to your already existing holiday traditions this year. Merry Christmas!
TCKonnective 