Coronavirus. What thoughts enter your mind when you hear this word? Pandemic? Unprecedented? Loss? Social distancing? Self-isolation? Quarantine? Death? Vulnerable…Not long ago most of these words weren’t even a regular part of our vocabulary. But over the last three months they have flooded our lives as we watch the news, interact on social media and as we simply try to make sense of how we are supposed to live in the here and now with Covid-19 a part of our everyday reality. It is hard to fathom the far-reaching impact this virus has had in such a short period of time. Whether you are serving in an urban area or in the remotest of places, the coronavirus’ microscopically huge presence is making itself known everywhere and to everyone around the globe.
The coronavirus has brought along with it seismic and sudden changes. Entire countries have been instructed to self-isolate in order to slow the propagation of the virus. With this new mandate non-essential personnel were told to stay home, schools were shut down overnight, extra-curricular activities were cancelled, birthday parties were postponed and those who were overseas either had to scramble quickly to get back home or find themselves stranded for the foreseeable future.
While there are many things to consider as you walk alongside of your TCK during the Coronavirus, this first in a series of articles will focus on how to engage with the inevitable questions your children pose. We will examine what could lie beneath the questions in the hopes that we as parents can best care for the hearts of our TCKs.
Responding to the Tension of the Unknown
When will school re-open? How will missing school impact moving to the next grade or graduating? When can I start back with my activities and/or see my friends? Am I still going to have my birthday party? These are but a few of the many questions that children all around the world are asking themselves and their parents.
Many TCKs will likely ask the above questions, but they may also come at you with a whole other layer of unknowns on their minds: Will travel bans affect visits from friends and family? Will we be able to go on our planned home assignment to see our family this summer? What happens if we, or someone whom we know and love, catches the virus? This concern can be further exacerbated if quality medical care is lacking where you are living.
As parents we have a choice as to how we respond to the questions our children bring to us. If we are dismissive of our children’s questions, especially in times of crisis, they will draw their own (likely unhealthy) conclusions about their situation, about themselves, about you as a parent and even about God. It is important that we not only acknowledge their questions with answers (and yes it’s ok to say that you don’t know), but it is equally, if not more important, to understand and enter into the deeper heart concerns that may lay beneath their questions.
Listening well starts, of course, with hearing what has been said. The harder part of listening well is understanding the heart beneath the questions without making assumptions. When our TCKs are asking us questions do we assume they are simply looking for information? Or are there things stirring in their hearts beyond the information they are seeking? It takes a patient heart and mind of discernment to ascertain what exactly our kids need from us. Sometimes, they may simply be seeking information to help them process what is going on and what is ahead. But when the stress level is heightened, as it is in times of crisis, there are likely some emotions lying beneath their questions as well.
In our home we have learned that some questions carry with them extra weight:
- “How long?” can actually mean “I really am sad and miss my friends!”
- “Will we still be going on home assignment?” can mean “I am afraid we are not going to see our cousins, and I don’t think I can handle that!”
- “Will I still have a birthday party?” can mean “Am I still special?”
Are our TCKs grieving? Are they fearful? Are they angry? Are they needing reassurance? The short answer is likely, “Yes!” So how can we further draw out our child(ren)’s hearts as they wrestle with the tension of the unknown?
By asking simple questions
Some kids just need a simple question to help them start processing their emotions. Here is an example:
What is the hardest thing about not knowing if we will be going on home assignment?
By putting into words what we imagine they are feeling
Other kids may find it more helpful if you try to put words to what you think they are experiencing. Something like:
I imagine that it is hard to be away from your friends right now…
Whenever we ask simple questions and put words to what we think our kids may be experiencing it is important to give them time and freedom to respond. Listening attentively to what is on their heart and affirming their experience will lead them to continue opening up to us in the future.
By modeling what it looks like to share feelings
We can also invite our children to process their feelings by opening up to them about our own fears or frustrations. Sharing our tears with them or how we are having a difficult time can be a powerful experience for everyone involved. This type of modeling teaches our children that it is acceptable and appropriate to process emotions. Being open with our TCKs can look something like this:
I am really sad that we may not be able to go on home assignment and see our family and friends. I have been so looking forward to seeing our loved ones! How are you feeling about this?
You know what, I really miss seeing our friends. I miss hanging out, having cookouts and laughing together. How about you?
As your TCKs open up, do not minimize what they are feeling and do not try to fix it. You have no power to change their circumstances, but you do have the power to be a constant presence in the tension of their unknowns. Urika Ernvik puts it well in her new book: Third Culture Kids: A Gift to Care For:
“When vulnerable, we even more easily pick up and hold onto what people communicate to us. These messages become beliefs about ourselves and the world that we hold onto. Some of these beliefs are truths, and build us up; some of them are lies, and take us down. All these comments and actions affect us. What we believe about ourselves will affect how we feel, think and act.”
As parents we want to communicate the truth to our children. We want them to know they are important to us. We want them to know that what they are feeling and experiencing is valid. We want them to know that we are there and that we care for them. In light of these things, let us be careful of what we say when our TCKs open their hearts up to us. They do not need pat answers to their questions. In many ways, they simply need to know that they do not have to make sense of this chaotic life on their own.
TCKonnective 