I explained in my last post that as a result of growing up overseas my concept of America was shaped by the few expats I knew in France, the few visitors who came to visit, the care packages that my grandparents would send us and by pop culture. In many ways, by the time I turned ten, America had become to me a fantasy land of baseball, Tastycakes and other exciting things. But as I returned and spent time in my native land, different experiences chipped away at this perspective that America was only land of dreams and wonders. I still loved my passport country, but I began to experience deep sadness related to America’s history of racism and racial inequality.
When our family returned to the States for our first home assignment, I remember coming away confused at the demographics of the church and small Christian school I attended. I had spent the previous three years living in a suburb of Paris where both my school and church had been racially diverse. While being white in France meant I was in the majority population, minority groups were plentiful, especially in our church. The mix of cultures in this community was something that I loved and quickly began to miss in my American church and school, where the vast majority of people were white.
During this first stint back in the States, I distinctly remember visiting one my friends’ churches with my family. Our fathers had hit it off after having met at our soccer games, and my friend’s dad who was a pastor had invited our family to attend his church one Sunday. My friend and his family are African American, and their church was primarily African American as well. I remember loving my experience at their church but feeling perplexed at the segregation they experienced. My experience of the church in France had been racially diverse and my young heart could not understand why it was so different in America.
I felt equally shocked and distressed when I heard a loved one verbally disparage a minority group that lived in their neighborhood. Like most TCKs, I had grown to appreciate and value the differences that exist among cultures and races and was left feeling confused as to what made these people so disgusting to this person. I do not remember bringing this up to my parents, but I do remember wondering how it could be that someone who loved me so much would also have such negative feelings toward an entire people group.
I could share more of my personal story related to the heartache I have felt as I have come face-to-face with the history my passport country has with racism. However, I want to shift the conversation to how we, as parents who are raising our kids outside of their passport country should engage our children on this subject. It may feel tempting for parents to only speak of the positive aspects related to our TCK’s heritage. After all, it was our choice to move our family to a different culture and it is natural to desire for our children to have a good outlook on their country of origin. But as with anything, focusing only on the good can lead to unnecessary frustration, disappointment and even disillusionment down the road.
Every parent and child is different (and at a different life-stage), so I am not here to offer a cookie cutter way to talk to your child(ren) about the difficult things related to their passport country. But I am here to encourage you not to ignore these issues. While figuring out how to discuss these sad realities may be difficult and we may want to shelter our children from them, it is my belief that we do them a great disservice if we do not teach them in age appropriate ways. The reality is that our TCK(s) will face these truths some day and if they face them without first having heard about them from us, they are likely to wonder why this was never part of the conversation. Below are a few of the things we have and will be seeking to do as a family to reflect on the issue of racism.
Humbly Listen
The subject of racism is obviously a very hot and sadly divisive topic today. If you are in the majority population it can be hard to come to grips with the racism that many in the minority communities have experienced. In a world where we can instantly share our opinion on social media, I have found that our natural response is to defend and deflect rather than listen. I am convinced that I need to take the posture of humble listener when it comes to becoming more aware of racial issues.
I have learned so much in recent years from having listened to my African American friends’ stories of how they have experienced racism. Their accounts opened my eyes to experiences I never could have imagined would still be taking place today. As I have taken time to humbly listen, I have increasingly felt the need to teach my children about these things.
Read Books on Racism and Racial Diversity
Our children’s lives are greatly influenced by the books that we read as a family. As we read as a family, conversations naturally follow. Below is a link from the TCK-focused website Kaleidoscope that you may find helpful as you consider what to read to your children about racial diversity and racism.
https://www.kldscp.org/tckresources
Talk About Racism and Issues of Injustice
The link below is a helpful starter discussion guide for parents to talk to their teens about racism. This may especially be helpful for those families who will be soon returning to the States and/or who have TCK(s) who will soon be heading off to college.
https://axis.org/product/racism-in-the-us-guide/
I have always found that a good way to discuss any subject is to start with some open-ended questions and let the conversation flow from there. For example:
What do you think racism is?
How do you feel about people who look and act differently than you? What makes you feel that way?
What do you know about your passport country’s history of racism?
As we ask the above and other questions, it allows our child(ren) to start thinking about and put their own words to the subject. Once they have shared their thoughts, we can then input our perspective on the matter.
As global workers who value cultural differences, it behooves us to consider the cultural and racial divides that exist in our passport country. May we not allow the distance that separates us from our homeland keep us from helping our children grow to become aware of the historical and present climate of racial injustices in America. As we teach them to become global citizens, may we help them grow in compassion, empathy, and action to treat all people with dignity and understanding.
TCKonnective 